Imagine you are going to a very important party with your partner, and you want to wear black shoes, but your partner wants you to wear brown shoes instead. How would you negotiate in this situation? Many people believe that a win-win, or 50/50, is the best negotiation outcome. If you think so too, can you tell me what is the win-win in this example? Will you wear one black shoe and one brown shoe? Sounds funny, doesn't it? That's exactly what Chris Vos thinks. He does not believe in win-win situations. Chris is the New York Times bestselling author of Never Split the Difference: Negotiate Like Your Life Depends on It. Chris worked for over 20 years as a kidnapping negotiator with the FBI, dealing with kidnappers, bank robbers and extreme terrorists. He found that the knowledge he gained as a kidnap negotiator could also be applied to a wide range of business and personal situations, since the fundamentals of human negotiation are essentially the same in any situation, regardless of age, gender, or ethnicity. Negotiating with terrorists and negotiating with a businessman are based on the same principles. We negotiate every day, like when you're trying to get the kids to bed early or when you're convincing a friend to go to a different restaurant. Our whole life is negotiation, and Chris says that negotiation is not about my way or your way; negotiation is about finding a third way that makes both parties happy. For example, let's say two of your children are fighting over chocolate, and they can't share it. It doesn't matter how you divide the chocolate; both are dissatisfied and think the other side got more. A third solution in this situation is to ask one child to share the chocolate equally and the other child to choose first. In this analysis, I'll share with you five lessons I learned from the book that will help you become a better negotiator.


Lesson number one: Understanding first. Every negotiation begins with the universally applicable law that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest and most effective thing we can do to achieve this. By listening intensely, you show empathy and a sincere desire to understand what the other party is experiencing. It sounds easy, but you can't even imagine how many people fail to listen when the other side starts talking. Instead of listening, they think about what they are going to say, and when the other party stops, they give their presentation, regardless of what the other party just said. Then the other side starts thinking, "Hmm, they didn't hear a word I said." I'm sure you've experienced it; sometimes you are talking to someone, and you feel like you are talking about different topics. People usually shout in negotiations because they feel they have not been heard. Everyone wants three things in a negotiation: first, to be understood; secondly, respected; and only then to get what they want from the negotiation. If you fail at listening, don't expect success at negotiating.

Lesson number two: Negotiation is not a battle; it's a revelation. People who see negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their heads. But the truth is that negotiation is not a battle; it is an act of discovery. The goal is to find out what the other side wants. Is it money, time, respect, recognition, etc.? To achieve this, the author recommends several tactics. The first is simply smiling. When you smile at someone, it's like connecting to their brain and turning on the light of positivity. We are 31 percent smarter when we are in a positive state of mind, which means that being in a negative state of mind makes us 31 percent dumber. Another tactic is Repetition. Repetition is simply repeating the last three or most important words your opponent just said. For example, your opponent says, "I have very high expectations and I want more money." You answer, "More money." The repetition feels very strange at first, but if you practice, it will work like magic. Repetition forces the other party to blurt out information. It's much more powerful than saying, "What did you mean?" When you say, "What did you mean?" you give your opponent pause to think and correct himself. On the other hand, Imitation makes the conversation more fluid and forces the opponent to reveal more information. After you repeat, be silent for at least four seconds and let the repetition work its magic.

Lesson Number Three: Tactical Empathy. Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mentality of another person and listening to what lies behind those feelings, focusing especially on identifying emotional obstacles that stand in the way of agreement. Once you identify an emotion, then label it. Marking simply means summarizing what your opponent just told you and relaying it back to them. Tags always start with "Seems to," "Sounds like." For example, if your opponent speaks very passionately about his students, you can signal this by saying, "You seem to care about your students." Then keep quiet and let the tag do its magic. Labeling is effective for two reasons. First, it helps you confirm that you have identified the right emotion. Second, it signals to your opponent that you really understand them, which creates a stronger bond and makes your opponent like you. If the person likes you, you are six times more likely to reach an agreement. Empathy connects two brains. The moment you empathize and see that there is something that compels you to cooperate with me, that's when your brainpower and my brainpower come together to solve the problem. Another empathy tactic is called labeling negativity. This is especially effective if you know your opponent is angry and has bad feelings towards you. Before you go to the meeting, sit down and think about all the negative things your opponent might say against you during the meeting or negotiation. After you have identified all the negative feelings, then label them. For example, let's say you know your client is very unhappy because your company missed a deadline and didn't deliver what was promised. Based on this data, you know that your customer thinks that you are not reliable and that you are not able to fulfill your promises. So, as soon as you start the meeting, you can minimize the negativity by saying, "It may seem that we are cheating you and that we are not able to fulfill our promise and deliver what was agreed, and because of this you may even be thinking that you don't want to do business with us anymore. And you're absolutely right to think so." The moment you say that, your opponent thinks, "Hmm, he thinks like me. I kind of like him." If you didn't tone down the negativity, your opponent would spend hours explaining how bad they feel. But now that you've minimized all the negativity, your opponent will be more focused on the solution than the regret. Negative emotions and fear of loss affect our brain three times stronger than positive emotions, so help your opponent to get rid of negative emotions, then you will have much better results.


Lesson number four: Start with NO. Constantly pushing for YES doesn't get you any closer to victory. Contrary to popular belief, a NO is the beginning of a negotiation, not the end. When you say YES to something, you feel obligated or trapped. For example, if I come up to you and say, "Can we talk for five minutes?" After you say yes, automatically your brain starts asking, "How long is five minutes really going to be? Am I going to be trapped with him for an hour and come home late? Is he going to sell me his stupid idea again?" All those distractions in your mind prevent you from focusing on the negotiation; you just want to get out of there as soon as possible. Compared to pushing yes, if I came up to you and said, "Is it a bad time to talk for five minutes?" You'd probably say no, it's not, but let me finish X, Y, and Z and meet you in 15 minutes at my desk. Since you started with no, you feel safe because you haven't committed to anything. Also, saying no gives you control. You said, "Let's meet in 15 minutes." When you feel in control, it makes you think faster, faster and helps you focus on implementation without any distractions. Also, after saying no, you answered the next two to three questions yourself; I didn't have to ask you where to meet, when to meet, you gave me everything I wanted without even working for it.

Lesson number five: "That's right." It's one of the most powerful negotiation phrases you want to hear. To get this answer, you simply take your opponent's words and repeat them back. It sounds simple and maybe stupid, but it works well. It puts the other party's empathy on steroids. If you get "that's right," then you can be sure that the deal is almost done. "That's right" is what we say when we feel fully heard and believe that the other party really understands us. We also say "that's right" in aha moments. Please be careful if you get "you're right," it means you're completely wrong. The difference between the two phrases is small, but the implication is huge. When someone says "you're right," they're most likely trying to get rid of you or end the conversation. Dealing with people is one of the hardest jobs. You can be perfect at your job, but if you have poor communication skills, it is very likely that you will have a difficult job.

If you want to improve your skills in communicating with people, then read the analysis of the book "How To Win Friends And Influence People".