I don't care how technically brilliant you are in your field; if you do not understand people, you will neutralize all your powers. - Robert Greene.
Today I will summarize another book by Robert Green called "The Laws of Human Nature". People dislike the author and find his books mean or offensive. I think it's because Robert usually talks about the Dark side of human nature that many of us are not allowed to talk about or admit we have dark traits. Understanding ourselves and the people around us is one of the most important skills we can have in life; however, many of us are very bad at this skill. I have personally seen very talented people lose their jobs or face problems due to poor interpersonal skills.
This summary consists of 16 laws, and I believe it will help you improve your skills in communicating with people. By the way, this is one of the longest recaps I've ever done, so save it and check it out later. Let's get started.
Law Number One: The Law of Envy
My first job was as a salesperson in a small shoe store. My manager was an envious person who criticized everyone behind their back. She also flattered me in a way that I felt was mocking, and her jokes made everyone uncomfortable, as if she was secretly laughing at us. I was relieved when a few months later I found a better job and left. That same weekend, I met a colleague by chance, and he asked me if it was true that I had been fired for stealing money from the cash register. I was shocked to learn that the manager had been spreading false rumors about me.
You may not want to admit it, but you are comparing yourself to others. Some use comparison as a motivational factor, but others will channel that energy into feelings of envy and jealousy. Most people will not show their envy, but if someone is sabotaging you or spreading rumors about you, then you are dealing with a dangerously envious person. The signs of envy are obvious. If you want to test someone, tell them good news about yourself and watch their reactions, especially their eyes. People's eyes will show hostility even if they say wonderful things. You can also do the opposite, tell them bad news about yourself and watch if micro-expressions of happiness appear, just like my manager did. Envious people can make you uncomfortable and ridiculed even when they praise you. Gossip is also a sign of envy. Stay away from envious people. Nothing good can come of them, but if you have no choice, try to deflect envy. To do this, never brag, reveal as little as possible about your life and always try to draw attention away from yourself. Surround yourself with people who rejoice in your achievements and bring positivity into your life. Now, when you feel envious of someone, remind yourself that what you see is only part of reality and that other people's lives are just as complex as yours, with ups and downs. Also, practice feeling joy for others to turn envy into a source of inspiration and admiration.
Law Number Two: The Law of Role Playing
A few months ago, a friend asked me for help. He was in a long-term relationship with a girl from France and wanted to propose to her, but he admitted his biggest fear: "I have to travel to Paris and meet her parents. Her father is a very difficult person and I think he hates me." A friend of mine was planning to gather some information about his future father-in-law and wanted my help practicing some potentially difficult conversations to make sure the meeting went as smoothly as possible.
I'm sure you can relate to wanting to show off a better version of yourself. Maybe it's a business meeting, a job interview or even a family celebration. We rarely show the holy person that we are deep inside. It's like we wear a theater mask, and we have one for every situation in our lives. We are different at work than we are with family or friends. The reason we do this is because we have to get along with people, and our true feelings and traits would make it difficult or even impossible. A person who cannot hide or who always says exactly what he means will be unpleasant and unwanted, if not hated. If you ignore this law, you are missing out on a huge opportunity to develop your social skills.
Here are two tips to use this knowledge to your advantage:
Tip number one: Accept that those masks are necessary to function in society, and wear them proudly. You are not unethical; do exactly what is expected of you.
Tip number two: There are very small cracks in our masks, and our true personalities sometimes leak out. So you can observe people and learn more about them. Children are amazing observers. That's why liars hate them so much. All you have to do is regain that ability. Focus on their faces, micro-expressions, signs of tension, forced smiles. Focus on how they inflect their voices and how fast or slow they speak. Just don't be too obvious, or people can get defensive.
Law Number Three: The Law of Compulsive Behavior: Do you have a friend who always falls in love with the wrong person? They promise themselves that next time will be different, but they are heartbroken again in a few months. I used to have a friend who was always unintentionally insulting people. He repented and apologized, only to have the same thing happen again later. Our behavior patterns are influenced by a deep part of our personality called character. Character stays with us throughout our lives, so it's easier to notice it when you analyze people's actions over time.
Remember, people never do something just once; they repeat their good and bad behavior, and sometimes they don't even know they're doing it until it's too late. Here's how to use your knowledge of character to improve your relationships:
Tip number one: Pay attention to people's behavior patterns. How do they make decisions and solve problems? Most importantly, how do they deal with power, responsibility and pressure? People become more vulnerable and less flexible when under stress; then they show their true colors.
Tip Number Two: Value character above all else when choosing people to associate with. For example, when choosing a partner, character should be more important than charm and attractiveness. That way you avoid wasting years of your life with an incompatible person and a toxic relationship. Choose people who are strong, flexible, empathetic and persistent.
Tip number three: Avoid toxic character types. Here are a few to be especially careful with:
- Hyper-perfectionist: They seem dedicated, but are more concerned with control than with a good result.
- Tireless rebel: They hate authority, rules and cannot accept criticism. Their rebellious instincts will sooner or later turn against you.
- Personalizer: They are sensitive and take everything personally. You have to walk on eggshells not to hurt them and feel guilty for offending, even if you didn't mean to offend.
-Big talker: They seem impressive, but when you get to know them better, you'll realize they're bragging about things they've never done or won't do.
- Spoiled Prince or Princess: These people act childish and make you feel bad for not giving them everything they want.
- Savior: They will always be there for you, providing you with everything you need and solving your problems, until you try to be independent and realize that they were just trying to buy and control you.
Law Number Four: The Law of Greed
If you have ever watched young children playing together, you will notice an interesting behavior. When one of them grabs a toy to play with, the other kids suddenly want it too. And if you tell them they can have any toy but one, guess which toy they'll throw a tantrum to get? From a very early age, people want to have what they don't have or can't get. The behavior is repetitive; we get what we want and immediately lose interest and look for some new object of lust. Nothing kills our imagination faster than familiarity and predictability. Sometimes we simply move from one object to another, easily bored with everything we already have, including our relationships.
People can't stop lusting, but we can learn how to use it to our advantage. Here are three ways to do it:
Tip number one: Figure out what you want. Identify what is positive and what is counterproductive in your lustful tendencies. Don't be easily fooled into lusting after something just because everyone else wants it. Think about all the negative aspects too. Many people crave fame, for example, but are they really willing to deal with the lack of privacy and freedom that fame brings?
Tip number two: Find contentment in your reality. Focus on the positive side and be grateful for what you have today. A deeper relationship with your reality will give you the focus and power to change only what really needs to be changed.
Tip number three: Become an elusive object of lust. Honesty and authenticity are positive traits, but when overdone, you can become boring and predictable, and other people's attention will quickly shift to someone else. Instead of focusing on the things you lust after, focus on other people's fantasies and unfulfilled desires and become what they want. The rest will come. Look at yourself from the outside; how do people see you and your work? Once you know that, shape their perceptions and convey the exact image you want. You may want to associate your image or an image of your work with something forbidden or secret as this will pique their curiosity and make you more attractive. Don't always be available and create the impression that everyone wants to have your work. Just as children fight over a toy, people will want it if they believe others want it too.
Law Number Five: The Law of Suppression
Have you ever felt the urge to do something so terrible that you were shocked that it even occurred to you? If you tell me that bad deeds never enter your mind, I will tell you that it is because you are repressing your shadow. The shadow is the part of us that we hide even from ourselves because we don't want to admit that we have them. Your shadow contains your worst insecurities, worst secrets and desires, aggressive and selfish tendencies. Sometimes, when you feel too stressed, vulnerable or anxious, little bits of this side will leak out. Then we show contradictory or random behavior and emotional sparks. For example, most of us try to hide our shadows, but this is not the right thing to do. The more we deny our shadow, the stronger it becomes. This also happens on a cultural level. The more forbidding a culture is, the more people will feel drawn to the shadow aspects. This is why stories about serial killers, cruel villains and extreme violence are so popular. Also, people who only project perfection are perceived as fake and inauthentic because they suppress a part of themselves.
Here's how to do it:
See the Shadow: Pay attention to the part of you that you show the world. Are you always cheerful and excited, always patient and calm? You may be hiding the opposite of that. Also, if you were oversensitive or over-aggressive, imagine what caused those reactions so you can get to know yourself better.
Embrace the Shadow: When you discover parts of yourself that are hidden, don't ignore them. Admitting your flaws will make you receptive and likeable.
Explore your shadow: Play with your previously hidden thoughts and feelings and channel that energy into your work or hobbies, especially creative work.
Explore your shadow: Play with your previously hidden thoughts and feelings and channel that energy into your work or hobbies, especially creative work.
Law Number Six: The Law of Narcissism
Carl considered Mabel his best friend. They were always together doing all the interesting things that Mabel liked. But one day, Carl was afraid of losing Mabel. He received bad news about the death of a family member. To cheer him up, Mabel bought movie tickets for the two of them. Karl was very sad, and told her that he would rather stay at home. Mabel didn't respond to his messages for a week after that. Carl was already worried when Mabel answered him, telling him that she didn't have the money to pay the electric bill because she spent a lot on those movie tickets and he still refused to go with her. Carl felt terrible, apologized and offered to pay her electric bill for her.
Mabel is what we call a deep narcissist. She is used to having power over Carl and getting attention from him. When he took an independent step instead of doing what she wanted, Mabel found a way to punish him for it - the silent treatment. She ignored how he felt and took his refusal to go to the movies as a personal attack. She was so hurt that she made sure he felt guilty about it and made up for it.
People like Mabel feel that they are in great danger if they don't get love and attention from the outside all the time, and they have no limits to how far they will go to get such attention. They are so manipulative that it's hard to figure out what they're doing, just like Carl didn't. Now you and I are not so different from Mabel. We are all narcissists on some level. Most of the time we focus on our goals and feelings and want to be appreciated. The difference is that most of us can do something Mabel can't. We can give ourselves love and attention; therefore we do not need external validation all the time as it does. The opposite of narcissism is empathy. It is when we forget about ourselves and focus on others. The more empathetic we are, the healthier we will be. Empathic people recover quickly when hurt, don't take things personally, and can make jokes about themselves. Also, they understand people better and build healthier relationships.
Law Number Seven: The Law of Irrationality
Kathy and Jen work together. They're not best friends, but they get along well enough. Well, at least that's how they got along until last week when Jen yelled at Kat about a mistake in her report. "I always have to correct all your reports! Can't you get them right for once?" Kathy is now hurt and thinks Jen overreacted because her mistake was so small. Jen, on the other hand, knows she was harsh on Cathy, but she was so annoyed. Also, she doesn't want to admit that the anger she felt had more to do with her emotional state over the divorce than with Kathy's bad reports.
You must have experienced a similar situation before; someone overdid it and you suffered the consequences, or maybe you were the one who overdid it. This happens because you cannot always think rationally; sometimes your emotions overwhelm you and you make bad decisions. Emotions in themselves are not bad; they are necessary. The problem is that our emotions are guided by a very simple principle: we always try to avoid pain and find pleasure. This means that even when we know what is right, it is not easy to do it; if it hurts, we'll make up excuses. That's why most people will never admit they've made a mistake or change their mind because mistakes and change are painful things.
Now, the consequences of being irrational can be dire, so here are four tips on how to become more rational:
Accept Your Irrationality: A person who thinks they are always rational believes they are always right. They will simply react and ultimately be guided by their own failed interpretation of their emotions, events and other people.
Examine reactions: By analyzing your behavior, you slowly build up knowledge about yourself. That knowledge will help your rational part take over when you are faced with similar situations again.
Increase your reaction time: Have you ever come up with the perfect response as soon as you calm down after an argument with someone? Stepping away from the situation and giving yourself time to calm down can help you get back to your rational self. Remember, true colors show when we are under pressure. It's the best opportunity to see who other people really are.
Accept the pain: We need to increase the tolerance for pain. It's okay to be wrong, to feel hurt, to feel guilty. Accept your feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant, and they will have less power over you.
Law Number Eight: The Law of Myopia
This law prevents you from being successful in your diets and developing good long-term habits, as well as eliminating bad habits. If we could always think long-term, it would be easy for us to never eat sugar, for example, because we would always remember that it is bad for our health. But it's not easy to think about when you have a huge piece of chocolate cake in front of you, right? People tend to react to current circumstances and forget that most things are temporary and have consequences. It's like being near the base of a mountain and you can't see much because you're surrounded by dense forests. But as you climb, your perspective broadens. When you're at the top, you'll see better than everyone else.
So how can you climb that mountain and see the bigger picture? Here are four tips:
Anticipate Consequences: Sometimes our actions bring unintended consequences. To prevent this problem, try to foresee all the possible consequences of taking a certain action, even if they sound obvious. Ask yourself how you can handle each of them.
Pick your battles: Sometimes you put so much energy into a conflict that you refuse to give up, even when you know you should. Step back and ask yourself, "What are my real priorities? Will winning this fight help me achieve my goals?" Some conflicts just aren't worth it.
Increase patience: We must work on our patience and set long-term goals if we want to succeed.
Filter information: Today, information is everywhere, and with so much detail available, it's hard to see the big picture. You have to train your mind to filter the important things based on your priorities and goals.
Law Number Nine: Defense Law
To illustrate this law, the author tells the story of a rebellious teenager who is caught selling drugs at school. He was immediately suspended, but still had to do his homework. Apparently he didn't want to study, so his mother had an idea. She told him that the principal doesn't let him go to class because he wants you to fail; thinks students can't study at home. He would feel terrible if you proved him wrong. Of course, this had exactly the effect the mother wanted. To get revenge on the headmaster, the boy had more energy to study than ever before.
We all like to believe that we have three qualities: autonomous, intelligent and good. The first strategy for achieving the skill of persuasive speaking is to never put someone in a situation that threatens one of these three beliefs. Work within their confidence, even if it's not positive or realistic. Be empathetic and validate other people's beliefs before trying to convince them. Let them have the feeling to convince you. They will feel superior, which is exactly what you want because then they will be more open to your ideas. Another strategy: be an attentive listener. Listen more than you speak. Respond to what they said with something that will make them feel validated and encourage them to continue talking about their interests. But don't be too obvious because they will get defensive if it sounds like an interview instead of a conversation. The third strategy: inspire a sense of security. When we believe that people accept and love us for who we are, we are less defensive. When we're with friends, for example, your goal is to learn how to inspire the same sense of security in other people. The fourth strategy: minimize their insecurities. We tend to like people who can appreciate us, so identify their insecurities and never challenge any of them. When someone asks for your opinion, they don't want the truth; he doesn't even want a lie. What he wants is to be validated and to have his opinion confirmed, but in the most realistic and kindest way. The fifth strategy: take advantage of people's resistance and stubbornness. Some people are particularly resilient; they feel the world is against them so they have to resist it. Your task is to use their resistance and stubbornness against them like a mother did with her rebellious son.
Law Number Ten: The Law of Self-Sabotage
Suppose two people are traveling to Paris, Marcus and Lydia. Marcus doesn't think Paris looks that attractive; the language is difficult, so he doesn't talk to many people because he's afraid he'll embarrass himself. The beautiful pictures he saw do not correspond to the reality because the sights are always crowded with tourists. He feels lonely and uneasy. When he returns home, he tells people that Paris is not worth it. Lidija, on the other hand, is delighted. Although her French is not great, she wants to meet new people. Sometimes they laugh at her, but she laughs at herself and keeps trying. She ends up meeting friends who tell her about the best days to visit the sights so she can take the best pictures. He has plans to visit again soon. As you can see, even though two people can share the same experience, a different attitude and perspective can change how it affects them both. Some people have a negative and narrow attitude; they are too cautious, afraid to lose control and always expect the worst, just like Marcus. Other people, like Lydia, are always open to new ideas and usually have more positive experiences.
Third attitude: Do not adopt the indifferent and skeptical attitude that is so popular at the moment. These people see positive people as naive, but their negativity is actually a mask they use to cover up their fears.
Fourth point: Don't take things personally. For the most part, people's reactions to you say nothing about you; it refers to themselves.
Fifth point: Don't limit yourself. Your body and mind can do much more than you think. When I was still in college, I often got sick before a difficult exam or an important presentation. This happens because negative feelings, such as exhaustion or anxiety, make us weaker. Our health improves when we are more positive.
Law Number Eleven: The Law of Grandiosity
We all once dreamed of something grandiose, especially when we were children. We dream of being the most popular rock star, writing the next bestseller, saving all animals from extinction, or running the most successful business in the world. We want to feel important and have a positive opinion of ourselves. That's not a bad thing; grandiose dreams move us and give us will and motivation. The problem arises when our feelings of grandiosity get out of hand and lead us into a distorted version of reality. We begin to believe that we are much bigger than we are or than others think we are, and we lose touch with reality. To avoid this, we need to direct that grandiose energy towards our work, goals and decisions, not towards our ego.
Law Number Twelve: The Law of Aimlessness
I have already heard many stories of people who achieved their goal of being rich, but suddenly somehow lost their way. The money they had worked so hard for didn't seem to fill the void the way they expected. We hear countless stories, some of them very tragic, about people who are rich, famous and successful, but not happy. This happens because things like money and fame have no meaning if they are not connected to a higher purpose. They're just things you'll always want more of. Without a purpose, your goals will not bring you fulfillment. Instead, they will easily be replaced by new meaningless goals as soon as you achieve them. You will feel lost and think, "I got what I wanted, why am I not happy? What have I been doing with my life?" Here are some strategies to help you find your higher meaning:
-Discover your calling in life: Look for inclinations you've had since childhood - activities that felt pleasant, natural and easy to do.
- Accept people's negative opinions: Most people avoid situations where they will face criticism and failure. You don't need to do that. Embrace negative experiences, limitations, and even suffering as ways to learn and use other people's negative opinions to motivate you and increase your sense of purpose.
- Absorb energy with a purpose: We are extremely sensitive to the mood and energy of other people. Always try to associate with people who have a high sense of purpose because they will inspire you to be the best.
- Create a ladder of descending goals: Long-term goals will give you clarity and determination. They are ambitious and motivate you. The problem is that they also bring anxiety. To deal with this, you need to create a ladder of smaller, simpler goals that lead up to your bigger goal. Think of goals that you can achieve in a relatively short period of time so that you can feel satisfied and occasionally remind yourself of your sense of purpose.
Law Number Thirteen: The Law of Conformity
In the 1950s, psychologist Solomon Ash conducted a group experiment. He showed participants one line segment, then three more, and asked them to choose which of the three lines matched the length of the first. When Solomon asked participants individually, they often chose the correct line. But when asked in the presence of other people who were instructed to deliberately choose the wrong line, about 75 percent of the participants chose the line that the rest of the group chose. There are countless examples of conformity in our lives - the way we dress, the food we eat and the brands we buy are strongly influenced by our social groups. We adapt not because we are naive or easy to manipulate, but because we want to feel we belong, whether it is in a small group, like our group of friends, or a larger one, like the country in which we live. The only problem is that in order to fit in, we're willing to ignore our rational side, so we become more prone to taking unnecessary risks. Since we cannot escape conformity, we must discover the things that can trigger this irrational response in us so that we can still belong and cooperate while preserving our independence and rationality. To achieve this, Green suggests we form a Reality Group. The idea is to use this social force with a positive purpose to create something great together. Here's how:
- Focus on the ideas, not the people who have them, and guide your group to do the same.
- Establish a group mission that will attract group members and make it clear so everyone knows where you are trying to go.
- Use your mental energy to do essential things and don't be afraid to delegate to people you trust.
- Encourage communication and allow the free flow of information and ideas. The more information you have, the better decisions you will make.
- People are sensitive to your emotions, especially if you are a leader. Make sure you bring the right emotions to the group: confidence, calmness and determination.
Law Number Fourteen: The Law of Aggression
Aggression has always been a tool we use to defend ourselves from danger and fight for things we need, such as food and shelter. Today, we almost never need to hunt, fight animals, or argue over a cave, but our aggressive impulses still play a role in our lives. Beneath our masks, we all face aggression. We feel insecure or vulnerable, as if we are in danger, so we become aggressive. Then we say and do things that we later regret. Here are some tips for dealing with aggression:
- Recognize your patterns: You need to know where you are directing your aggression in order to make a conscious change.
- Don't keep it inside: Aggression is like pressure. If you don't throw it out somehow, it will explode and hurt you.
- Acknowledge your ambitions and use them to grow and progress.
- Ignore your self-doubt and persevere.
- Focus your aggression on the problems you need to solve, but don't take it out on the people involved. It doesn't matter if you think it's deserved or not.
Law Number Fifteen: The Law of Generational Myopia
One of the things that surprises me the most about the story my parents and grandparents told me is that back then social roles were clearly defined and very fixed. There were very clear rules about what people were expected to do and no one questioned it. These aspects are very different from the way families and societies are organized today, and the way we deal with differences, right? Each generation is a mixture of the beliefs and ideas of its parents and the need to separate itself from the previous generation. This mixture creates the Zeitgeist, the zeitgeist formed by certain tastes, beliefs, struggles and ways of thinking. You internalize those influences as much as anyone else. We are all products of our time. Understand the power that the spirit of your generation has over you so that you can be more independent from the limitations that come with it. If you recognize what your generation is looking for and give it a voice, there is a good chance that your work will resonate. Here are five strategies to achieve this:
- Challenge your past: Maybe you want to create something new, but feel limited by the values you grew up with. It's normal to hesitate, but don't be afraid to express the taboos of your generation.
- Adapt the past to the spirit of the present: The frustrations of your generation must have been felt earlier by another generation. Who were the leaders then? What did they do? Adapt some of their styles and symbols to your reality.
- Relive the spirit of your childhood: By capturing the spirit of your childhood, you will reach all those who experienced those moments, and your generational peers will want to follow you.
- Disrupt the spirit: You may be in conflict with part of the spirit of your generation. Be creative and find a gentle way to deflect it instead of fighting it.
- Continue to adapt: As we age, we often remain attached to our values, ideas and styles. Improve your flexibility by surrounding yourself with people of different generations. Look carefully at their values, ideas and perspectives to expand your own.
Law Number Sixteen: The Law of Denial of Death